The contest deadline is MAY 31, 2007. All members can enter the contest!

Sometimes we all need our lols. Now here's the place to find out which is the best.

Enter the Number One Best Joke Ever Competition!

1st place: $30 - Paid via PayPal or eGold
2nd place: $15 - Paid via PayPal or eGold
3rd place: $5 - Paid via PayPal or eGold


Basically, I'll need 3 nominations for the best joke ever. Anyone can nominate, and if there is general agreement, in it goes. Up to 10 jokes per person can be entered.

Once we have the jokes, there will be a vote on the best ones.

In order to Enter the "Number One Best Joke Ever Competition" you need to become a member of this forum, Click Here! To Register!



Good luck, people.

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's There?"

"Nobody"

"Nobody Who?"

"......"

__________________
$.KillaH

Lost In Accent

An italian tourist and a waitress....

(Must be read with and Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.
Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate.
She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tell me everyone wanna fock.
I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table.
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.
Then I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.
He tell me to go to toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed.
He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say:
"Peace on you".
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Q. what's the best time to visit the dentist?

A. 2:30 (tooth hurty)

JOKE 1

A psychiatrist who had tired of listening to the assorted troubles
and dreams that poured from his consulting couch, rigged up a
tape recorder. Explaining to his patients that he could analyze
a case better this way, he would turn on the machine, tell the
patient to keep talking and quietly slip out for a beer.

This worked well for a while, but one day he looked up from his
beer to see the patient who was supposed to be upstairs on the
couch. "What are you doing here?" asked the doctor.

"Well, Doc," said the patient, "I've taped my dreams and stuff
for the last couple of days, and now my tape recorder is upstairs
talking to your tape recorder."

JOKE 2

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take 10 yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady
standing beside her.

"Grandma is paying for it," she smiled.

__________________

A blonde offensed of the blonde pranks paints her hair brown and goes to a farm. There she meets the farmer with his sheeps.
The blode aks : if i tell you how meny sheeps you have ... can i take one home ???
The farmer: ok ;
The blonde counts the sheeps ... she says 209 sheeps ... correct ... she takes one and goes to her car ...
After 1 minute the farmer apears near the car : Hey girl ... if i tell you what collor is your natural hair would you give my dog back ?

__________________
All in One Tutorials - mysql,php,html,seo,mssql and a lot more ! Check it out! - click here

I love you so much if in case we would be on a sinking boat and there will be only a life-belt i will miss you :P

__________________
All in One Tutorials - mysql,php,html,seo,mssql and a lot more ! Check it out! - click here

Patient : Doctor!!!! I have serious problem... i cant remember what i just said...
Doctor : From when are you facing this problem???
Patient : what problem????
Doctor : &&%^$%$&^%*(*^*&%