“GARAGE DOOR”

A Boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down and his fly area is wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paperwork he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up.

He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

Then he intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.

When he reached her desk, he said "When you saw the garage door open did you see my Expedition parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said "No Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires."

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A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She
confides this 'news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that
did This to you?I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature
and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in avery expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl,
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will
bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a
$1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a
factory and $1,000,000 each. However, If there is a miscarriage,
what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

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Dinner With Her Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make LOVE for
the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy
for nearly an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all...
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Three minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after five minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

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Uncle Sams Share........very funny
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes."

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A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

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Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and ove him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn�t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

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A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men.

Exicited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much. He showed her the study results.

It read: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

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IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK...they are called managers.

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing Up there all by yourself."

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