Wife's B-Day present gone bad
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well,
I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
Here goes.......
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy.(Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled.)I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What
I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push
the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen
one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too
cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-A-batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions(we don't need no
stinkin' directions)I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing!
I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button,
however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I
was so looking forward to.
Awesome!!!
Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee!!!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to
my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two double-A-batteries, etc.,etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping kitty for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4" in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A-batteries) thinking to myself, no friggin' way! No
Friggin' way--trust me! But I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm
sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head ~censored~ to one side as
to say, "don't do it buddy", reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to
give myself one-second burst just for the heck of it. (Note: You know, a
bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty._
It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it
seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY pink piggies!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position.
Kitty was standing over me making >meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you
won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4 deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-gun that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
there?? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two.
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